Stuck In My Head Sex
The first time this ever happened to me I was pregnant. There I was naked, sporting a larger than normal belly, feeling less sexy than my pre-pregnant self, not really feeling too desirable, and about to have sex.
What was happening, I was really turned on, but it wasn’t like pre-pregnancy, hot, steamy, I need you NOW kind of turned on. Weird, I thought to myself.
The first time or two this happened I chalked it up to no big deal, crazy pregnancy hormones, I was somewhat correct in that. Then I began to be more mindful of it, each time it sat there in the front of my brain. Why couldn’t I let go of my inhibitions and reach climax?
Then I realized I was overthinking it and it was frustrating.
I was experiencing what I later named, “stuck in my head sex!”
Well, this started to happen more frequently and each time I was reassured I was sexy, that everything from foreplay to intercourse felt amazing, same applied to what I was experiencing, and yet still I was struggling with stuck in my head sex. When I say, “Stuck in my head sex” I mean, you want to orgasm, it feels great, but you just can’t make it over that wall to ecstasy.
I know woman can relate because I’ve heard these challenges mentioned a time or two and when I hear it I’m like, YEAH, I get it, stuck in your own head, sex!
Like he tried all his best moves, we were in positions that worked extremely well normally yet there I was stuck in my own head not able to orgasm. That feeling of I want to orgasm, but disconnecting from my neocortex (my rational mind) to allow my Limbic system (my instinctual mind) to take over just wasn’t happening automatically.
Why not?! Why couldn’t I let go?
I feared I may be doomed to this forever! Was this some kind of karma coming back on me, LOL?
Being a professional doula and having done lots of reading and research. I know:
- Decrease or increase in sexual drive during pregnancy is normal.
- Sex is generally less desirable in the first and third trimester than in the second.
- Dryness or extreme wetness can occur vaginally.
- Gas and peeing a little during sex (and every time you do just about anything) is normal, especially in the last trimester.
- Some women report pain during sexual intercourse while pregnant.
These things are a wide variety of normal during pregnancy and most of the time they relieve after birth, women are not doomed to this forever.
So, this feeling of, “Am I doomed” was non-sense, but I felt it therefor it was real, and valid!
It’s also true that the same hormones that are present in labor and birth are present during sex. So oxytocin is responsible for helping with orgasm and that overwhelming feeling of love, and endorphins are those hormones that help you relax and become more in the moment for birth and sex, and help to contribute to that slightly sleepy feeling after sex and birth (once that high wears off).
Those hormones help to allow your rational mind to take a back seat to your instinctual mind. When adrenaline is present in labor and birth, they can stall or stop a woman’s labor completely. Can you guess what happens in sex? You guessed it; orgasm can become hard or impossible to reach.
So, I need to let go of my rational mind, and let my instinctual mind take over, I really needed to figure this out. This stuck in my own head thing was starting to impact him too, he was worried he was losing his touch, that perhaps I wasn’t as “in” to him, and even expressing that perhaps it would be our new normal, WHAT?! No way. You know men and their egos, we love them dearly, but their egos can become affected.
So, HOW? How do let instincts take over?
I put some real thought into what may be holding me back from letting instincts take over, from going over that wall, and came to the conclusion that I was feeling a little insecure because so much was changing inside me, and outside. It was happening so fast it was almost hard for me to accept.
So, I know you likely came here to find out what, if anything worked.
Well I had to change up some things to find what worked. Normally sex in fun places at spontaneous times was great for us, but during this time of transition it didn’t. Here’s are some things that may help;
- Remove all expectations from yourself (time, orgasm, being able do specific things, etc.)
- Make sure you try to empty your bladder.
- Black out the room. (black out curtains, lights out, doors shut etc.)
- On the opposite end maybe you could benefit from lights on, maybe you will benefit more from the visual.
- Turn on and up some sounds like specific music, or nature sounds, etc.
- Spend some extra time kissing and just being together.
- Try different positions. Side lying, elevated with pillows under your bottom, and on you being on top may be more effective and enjoyable to you. Try them all!
- Getting creative. For example before this pregnancy I was able to orgasm faster with penetrative sex, I found that sometimes with this pregnancy I enjoyed non-penetrative sex or outercourse better. That’s not to say we didn’t have intercourse, but
- Changing my views on sex helped me tremendously:
- Reminding myself that the end outcome is more about making a connection and growing closer to each another than it is about the physical act of orgasm.
- I found solidarity just knowing that I am not alone in this, many women experience this same struggle during pregnancy and it’s a temporary thing.
- If you really feel like you are reaching your breaking point you can try coming to the show alone, or to be more direct, masturbation, either alone or with an audience. There is nothing wrong with that at all!
DISCLAIMER- Always make sure that you have been given the go ahead from your provider to have sex during your pregnancy before attempting anything mentioned here.