April the Giraffe: An Exclusive Interview
We can learn a lot from April the giraffe. Millions watched and waited, and waited some more before some gave up hope on ever seeing April the giraffe give birth. While others came to the conclusion that perhaps April’s pregnancy was a cruel April Fool’s Day joke made up by Animal Adventure Park in Harpursville, New York. In case you haven’t seen the latest news, it wasn’t.
By the way, joking about pregnancy is never funny, ever!
We thought it might be fun to give April the Giraffe a voice in a mock interview! We hope you enjoy playing along. Full disclosure: at First Coast Doulas we believe in helping others have their own voice heard, but we’re not giraffe translators!
This is totally for laughs, nothing more! Enjoy!
Interviewer: April, thank you for agreeing to do this exclusive interview with First Coast Doulas! You looked so calm throughout this process. Were you nervous?
April the Giraffe: Of course I was nervous! To start with they sorely miscalculated my dates, and I knew it. To all my “fans” this must have seemed like the longest pregnancy in giraffe history. FYI it felt the same way to me. It’s true what they say every month during pregnancy has approximately 30 days except the last month of pregnancy which has at least 100!
The morning I woke up to them installing a damn “nanny cam” in my stall, all up in my personal space, I about lost it!
Who has time to watch my every move?
Mind your own tits!
Seriously though, what are you humans doing all day? [Said in a serious tone, followed by a brief pause and then a laugh].
This was my fourth baby, so I understood what my body was doing when I entered the active phase of labor.
Before active labor, all bets are off anyway, but that’s pregnancy 101 stuff!
Interviewer: You’re hilarious April! Did you consider hiring a doula?
April the Giraffe: Listen, this is my life, I can’t make this stuff up! If that humors you I’m glad my life made you smile! I did hire a doula, the best in the area!
Interviewer: What caused her to miss your birth?
April the Giraffe: She didn’t! I hired a postpartum & newborn care specialist. I figured I’d have enough mammals “helping” me give birth; mind you I did all the work! After having my first baby and just getting through the first six weeks, I knew I’d be wise to hire help after giving birth if I were to do it again. I want to feel my best, and enjoy my babies as much as possible!
So I found my postpartum doula and made it a priority to have her here.
My specialist has been with us now through three babies. She’s like my BFF, only she has this innate ability to tune into my needs, comforts me, can help through the night when I need rest the most. The babies love her! She has no agenda about what is “best” and she trusts that I know what’s right for my family. She’s a trained professional, but not pushy or judgy at all. She supports and encourages me!! She is the best thing since acacia!
Interviewer: We couldn’t help but notice that you pooped in labor. Were you embarrassed?
April the Giraffe: How did I know that question would come up? You humans seem fixated on poop. I’ll be blunt because I’m sure your readers will appreciate that. Shit happens. When you’re pushing, or “breathing your baby down”, you have absolutely no control of your rectum. Where’s the fecal matter supposed to go?
Look, I think if you’re big enough to mate you’re big enough to know that mammals poop in labor and that is normal!
Interviewer: April, did you eat your placenta, or afterbirth as some refer to it? Was it gross? What was the purpose of eating your placenta? Is that something you would recommend to others?
April the Giraffe: Yes, I ate it! I also ate the amniotic sac and fluid too! Gross? Well, it didn’t taste like…freedom [April gave me a long, quiet stare with a raised brow….], but it wasn’t gross at all. It helps me have more energy, feel more balanced, and fight off the urge to knock the “nanny cam” off the damn wall! Yes, I for sure recommend it to others. Find someone reputable though; don’t make the catastrophic mistake of having someone pick up your placenta.
Listen, if you’re feeling uneasy remember this; if an herbivore, like myself and my herbivore friends (cows, goats, and gorillas) can eat our own placenta after birth, surely you can swallow up your dried and powdered placenta in capsules!
Easy peasy!
Come on, if the Real Housewives and Kim Kardashian can do it so can you!
Interviewer: April it has been a real pleasure interviewing you! Do you have any advice for our readers?
April the Giraffe: Don’t compare yourselves to others. Don’t worry what others will think. Eat your placenta and hire a postpartum doula! Oh, and take down the “nanny cam”!
