What Marriage Really Looks Like
I think the idea of marriage is terrifying to some, while seeming like a novelty to others. I’m sharing what marriage really looks like for me and many other couples because after thirteen years I have some wisdom to share and our marriage has benefited from other couples who’ve generously shared with us along the way.
I recently had someone ask me if my marriage was peaceful, because peaceful to them meant boring. My response, “We have been together for 13 years, it’s peaceful, but not all the time. Thirteen years and it’s not going to be peaceful all the time, but peaceful does not equal boring!”
When I met my husband, after dating for a period of time, and accepting his proposal I thought about what it would be like to be a married couple. No longer living a single lifestyle, no longer dating each other, but in a solid, long-term, committed relationship.
I considered what that would look and feel like and it excited me!
Fast forward 13 years, 4 kids, 6 deaths in the family, financial struggles, and lots of ups and downs later and I have some insight! Now, there’s something to be said for the innocence of not knowing, so if you would like to leave, this is your warning, now’s your chance…
Marriage means easy like Sunday morning and also hard work and hard times, like really, really hard work from both partners a lot of the time.
It means fun, spontaneity, and excitement. It can also be boring as hell, stagnant, and bone-ass dry!
What marriage really looks like
It looks like spooning in your sleep or sleeping with your backs towards each other because neither of you get restful sleep when you “cuddle” through the night. Sometimes it means taking the couch so your daughter can sleep with her mama when she doesn’t feel well.
It means quickies before your partner leaves for work, and playing “This for That!”
This for That is a game my husband and I created after we had a hard realization that our sex life had changed for that season in our lives, “this for that” bargaining worked, for both of us, it was and is a win-win!
Example- “If you give me 20 minutes in the bedroom, I’ll let you sleep in tomorrow and get up with the baby!”
Sleep, did someone say extra sleep? Deal baby!
You’re welcome!
Marriage for some means going months without seeing each other because of long deployments. It means getting back into the swing after this long “break”, it’s not all easy!
Marriage can be harsh words, pure disgust, and contemplating the D word. Yes divorce! It means putting the other person before yourself at times, many times. It might mean counseling, even by yourself if the other person won’t go. Marriage means talking, lots and lots of talking. It’s saying you’re sorry even when you don’t know what you did or understand why it hurt the other person, but you say it because you know you intention wasn’t to hurt them and you did.
Marriage means you may not always be madly in love with your partner, but you love your partner! It means falling back into love again and again.
Marriage means recognizing the others person’s shortcomings, but meeting them where they are instead of calling them out! It’s speaking words of appreciation for the everyday things we tend to take for granted. It’s reminding yourself that they are human just like you and they have not given up yet either!
Marriage means you’re listening and forgiveness game must be strong and your trust and honesty game on point!
We have found that knowing and understanding each other’s personality styles, love languages, and setting some ground rules helped us tremendously. These may not work for everyone, and are really meant more for examples than direct guide for you, but for our marriage it’s been very helpful.
Our ground rules:
- No name calling
- No arguing in front of the kids about the others parenting choice. (This has been the hardest for us by far. Our parenting styles are so different, but trusting, which came with time, helped both of us know that we don’t have to understand to trust the other’s choice and decision even though it may be very different from our own.) We will and do argue in front of our kids, on occasion, and feel it is not only acceptable, but beneficial for them to see us have difference. We also make sure, when apologies are necessary that we do it in front of the kids as often as possible so they witness that as well.
- Once forgiven you can’t throw it back in their face! Forgiveness, but not forgotten!
Marriage is about love! It’s about beginning with the end in mind. Marriage is about knowing when to fight and when to walk away. It’s about not falling asleep at night mad at each other. It’s about squashing the bullshit because you realize life is short and this is the person who you love more than any other.
It’s about taking the road less traveled and creating your own detours!
When you think about what marriage really looks like, know that it’s beautiful, but not without mess. It’s not all smiles and happiness, it’s rough, it’s raw, it’s crazy, but it’s forgiveness, it’s togetherness, it’s someone to catch you when you fall.
